What am I doing here anyway??

Have you ever sat down somewhere and thought what the f**k am I doing here? I’m not talking about those moments standing in a room thinking I know I came in here for something, but you have absolutely no clue what it was…. We all do that from time to time even though we don’t like to admit to it!! I’m meaning that bone deep aching feeling that you just don’t know what it is you have been put on this planet to achieve. The feeling like the world is revolving around you and not even slightly affected by anything that you do or think, nobody notices you, nobody appreciates anything, and you are totally just going through the motions.

This is the point that you really seriously need to be asking yourself some very big questions and listening hard to the answers. Maybe you need a change of job, some lifestyle tweeks, maybe you are in the middle of some sort of esoteric crisis, perhaps you have been in some kind of trauma and are starting to come out of the other side, or maybe there is a serious mental health issue brewing that you really need to deal with. Whatever the reasons behind the way you feel you need to seek out some assistance to ensure that you don’t draw yourself further into that deep dark place that we seem so reluctant to admit is depression. I have been in this place a few times in my life as has everyone, again many people don’t like to admit to this and that is where problems arise……it is normal…..we are human, its not a failure it is usually just a blip, and if recognised most people can recover quickly and get back to whatever level of normal is good for them. But seeking help is a must.

I have been in this situation a few times for a couple of different reasons, I know how hard it is to reach out when you feel like you don’t matter and nobody actually cares, however it is so very important that you do. It doesn’t even have to be somebody you know! I remember sitting on a bus to go for shopping and an older lady sat next to me as it was fairly full, half an hour later I had heard most of her life story and all about her husband who had fairly recently passed away after 55 years of marriage, I had never met this lady before, but when we got to our destination I asked her if she would like to go for a cup of tea, she was obviously a little lonely even though she was part of a great many social groups and as I found out later actually a pillar of the local community, she didn’t feel she could talk to her peers. I spent several hours with this inspiration of a lady listening to her reliving many of her happiest memories at a time when I was in a very dark place, I didn’t tell her my situation as I had the feeling that her need to talk was greater than mine at the moment that she said to me “I don’t know who I am anymore, I’m not a wife, my children are grown with their own family and live far away, so I’m not a mother either, I have no identity.” How do you respond to that? I thought for a moment and reassured her that she was still a wife but just in a new way, and she would always be a mother no matter how far away her kids were or how long it was since she last saw them, I suggested that now she wasn’t nursing her husband she was released to go and visit them, be a mom and granny, find her new place in life.

I had started that same day totally miserable, not even wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to face the world, but I knew I needed to get some basic food shopping so I forced myself to go out of the house. That lady although she will never know, I have never seen her again since, proved a turning point for me, she proved to me that no matter how bad you might feel there is always someone out there that needs you, it maybe that they are family, your neighbour or as in my case a total stranger but you may take heart that they need you and will appreciate you for all that you are and more than you will ever know. You are important! You matter! If you feel you need help in any way shape or form never be afraid to ask, talk, you never know who’s life you may change or even save.